Monday, 15 June 2009

• Shutterbugged 2 / Life Update

  I didn't get to go to old Manila like I'd planned; I went instead to Merville to see the cousins. I did bring the Inherilympus, but I didn't use it a lot because a lot of good movies were on the Disney Channel that afternoon. :))
  
  I used to think "monthsary" was a ridiculous word and believed people should just say, "x-month anniversary," because it sounded more proper. And then etymology slapped me and said anniversaries are annual. If I wanted to give "monthsary" more Latin roots, however, it wouldn't sound much better; Latin for "month" is mensis; "monthly" is menstrualis. :| (source)
  
  So, I have to content myself with writing, "Today is our third monthsary."
  
  The plan was to have dinner at a favorite restaurant and then head to Katipunan for book launches at this little cafe frequented by figures in the city's art/lit scene. But then a college friend I haven't seen or spoken to in months announced she'd be in town tonight and tonight only (she's from Quezon province), and she wanted to have dinner. Martin nicely conceded, considering he and I see each other almost every day.
  
  Still, we are both a bit put out by the situation. I was looking forward to unwinding with Martin at a nice dinner after work and then meeting some of his old friends at the cafe (and maybe even playing trophy girlfriend for a while, hahaha). And I think it would've been nice for Martin at the end of a long day; he got up at 0500 for the long commute to Ateneo, across the metro, so he'd make it in time for the first day of his 0730 class. Then he had to commute midway back, to work in the studio. Plus he's been on pins and needles waiting for the broker to call about a room he wants to rent. Plus, you know, we love each other and love every opportunity to celebrate it. (The feeling is more, three months pa lang? rather than three months na?)
  
  So, yeah. I would have skipped on dinner with Aeli and gone on with monthsary festivities with Martin, if it weren't for the fact that Aeli travels several hours just to come to the city and comes to the city very rarely. Raaar.
  
  We decided to move our little celebration to this Saturday. But the Merville folks want me to visit them this weekend, because my uncle from Chicago will be around. Again, he isn't here very often -- and what's Aeli's several hours' bus ride compared to my uncle's two/three-day transpacific flight? And, Martin has a catering gig Saturday, too.
  
  I know that Aeli and Tito Bo would really like my company and maybe even "deserve" it a little more this week, but I still can't help feeling my celebratory mood's been spoiled. Martin and I had lunch today at that restaurant, but it wasn't the same; we both had to dash back to work afterward.
  
  Boo, timing. Boo.
  
  I almost changed the title of this blog to "Shutterbugged 2 / Love Life Update," because life with Martin is always in my foreground now. But I keep thinking of something Fr. Pedro Arrupe, SJ said:
  
  

  Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in a love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings, what you will do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.
  

  
  He was right. It does decide everything. I kept the title because my love life has been deciding the rest of my life: where I want to be and with whom I want to be -- hence the mild resentment I feel for people and events that are pulling my attention from the one person and one event I want to focus on this week.
  
  I hesitate to share these thoughts -- that I'm utterly consumed by us -- with people other than Martin because I can see how alarming it is. "You're too young," I expect they'd say. "You've only been together a couple of months." And the worst one, "You don't know enough about love and relationships." But then, as in the case of every couple, I suppose, only the couple themselves can ever really know how good or bad, deep or superficial things are between them. And if I say that, I'm afraid of getting an iteration of the same three judgments. So why should I bother trying to share these thoughts?
  
  I want to share because I want people to know what makes me happy. Martin in my life now makes me happy. Talking about a future with Martin -- not me creating a fantasy about a future with Martin in it, mind you, but me and Martin actually talking together, in terms as realistic as possible, about where we are going -- makes me happy. All the things that made me depressed before he came into my life are dull aches now.
  
  That last statement is another cause for alarm for other people, too. So let me make it clear: Martin is not a crutch or Prozac. Even if he is around, I can still see that I breathe in a ton of pollution, don't eat well enough, want a better job, miss my family, miss my friends, struggle with the whole what-do-I-do-with-my-life thing, and grapple with my sometimes-on, sometimes-off faith in God. If anything, being with Martin only shows me how much more fragile our lives are. One snap, and all our dreams for our futures -- the ones we want for ourselves, getting tied more and more tightly to the one we want for us -- might never come true.
  
  And yet the mere thought of him fills me with such hope that I feel I -- we could face anything.
  
  I might say it -- being in a relationship, being judged -- is something like religion. People outside can only really guess at what's going on with the people inside. (De-conversion and/or apostasy is another matter.) Those of you who've converted from one religion to another know what I mean; you know what it's like to feel that your eyes have been opened to a new way of life, one that really does decide everything.
  
  Ayun. I think this blog entry has gotten long enough (thanks if you've read this far). Writing it's put me in a better mood, actually, to meet Aeli and the other girls later, and I know a weekend at a Cavite resort with my relatives will be a chance, if not to bond, then to get a tan. :p
  
  Woah. My player's on shuffle, and it just played some covers I recorded for Tim when we were still dating. Aww. :)) It's nice to listen to them and be amused instead of annoyed -- though I still cringe at some pitchy parts. :p
  
  Anyway. Back to ending this blog entry.
  

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