I have this idea of the woman I want to be: someone stronger, wiser, more active, and more happily employed. I don't want anyone to have to wait for me. I want to feel capable and confident, and now it's no longer for myself, it's for you. I want to be that woman for you.
I dreamt once that I was a child chasing after you, and you turned away from me with a sneer to someone more graceful, more lovely, and more enlightened, and you called her your wife. When I woke up, some other girl's name was on my mind, but I know now, that wasn't her; that was me. Well, the me I want to be. With one look at her, I could tell that she would be so much better at being your partner, confidant, lover, friend; so much more worthy. I want to be that woman for you.
And then you tell me that I'm already the woman you want to be with for the rest of your life. You tell me that part of a life together would entail your being there for me, supporting me while I muddle along in my own uncertainty.
It's just, I'm tired of muddling along, in the same way that you're tired of waiting. How long before I get my shit together? How long do I have to make you wait?
Crap. This is going to be a
ten-cow woman thing, isn't it? Crap.
Why can't I feel ten-cow already?
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